I started my new job a few weeks ago, got throw into the thick of it after a few short days of orientation. I'm flying by the seat of my pants the majority of my days. I'm working 12 hour day shift, which means I'm up at the crack of dawn, sometimes earlier depending on the weather. I roll out of bed, leaving the littlest sleeping soundly next to daddy. Graeme is still asleep and won't awaken until I'm up to my elbows in medications.
I'm always looking forward to hugging my babies and asking Graeme how his day was after a long 12 hour shift. Well, until I actually walk into the house and the screaming initiates, as if it were an alarm.
Screaming toddlers are no fun, screaming, crying, tantrum throwing toddlers are no fun. Then throw into the mix non-verbal cues that I'm supposed to understand!? Kick me in the face.
I picked the boys up from their grandma's house and not five minutes after my arrival, Graeme turned it up a notch, and went from calm collected tot, to his alter ego - Graeme the Terrible (and I say terrible with all the love in the world...). It started with whining, then escalated to crying... The entire time grandma and I stared at him in confusion - what in the world is wrong?!
I made it to the car and buckled both babes in nice and snug. I sat in the front seat checking my email for a minute and from the rear view mirror I get a familiar screech! Graeme was screaming again. Okay little man, let's go home.
We get home and both babes are sleeping in the car, my ma lives 7 minutes down the road...
I always cringe waking him up, because well, he rarely wakes up as a happy and calm tot. Typically a woken Graeme equals an angry Graeme.
We got inside, got our coats and boots off... And as if I hit a switch Graeme went on a tyrant. Screaming, crying, mumblings, pacing, pointing, more screaming... Which then prompted hungry little Adler to start screaming. Gah!
I'm not going to paint this pretty... Motherhood can be ugly. Motherhood makes me cry. Makes me wonder if I'm doing it all wrong? Does my child dislike me? Why do I get Graeme the Terrible when he's been Graeme the Angel all day for everyone else.
Motherhood has challenged me in ways that I can't even explain. Having to hold back the urge to scream in response to my toddler's screaming is my greatest struggle. Some days I do really well with this, other days I do very poorly. And would honestly shrivel up into embarrassment if others had witnessed what had transpired between my two year old and I. Then add into the mix, working full time.
Juggling work, a handmade shoppe and two babies (not to mention the laundry that's been piling up since Christmas, daily chores that get done weekly and a golden retriever toddler running a muck...) is incredibly challenging.
I'm a work in progress. I will always be a work in progress. I'll stop asking if I'm doing things wrong, because I know I'm trying my hardest. I could always be better... So better I will be. One excruciating day at a time.
Peace & Love,