It's every woman's dream to be thin, right? Or at least that's what's drilled into our everyday. Diets, skinny teas, wraps... And here I am, 9 weeks postpartum on the verge of tears because... I've lost over 40 lbs and am nearing my pre-pregnancy weight. Most women would be doing cartwheels to this news. Pre-pregnancy weight!? Whoop! But not me. It feels like a huge dissapointment.
Not every woman desires to be rail thin, I myself would love to have a curvaceous body, a little giggle in my booty and thickness to my thighs... I've wanted this my whole life. After having my first son I thought that it would happen, the weight would stick and so would the curves and life would be glorious. I found myself at 8 months post partum at my lowest weight. A rail thin 108 lbs at 5'6". I was having difficulty nursing my son, unable to keep up with his demands. I worked midnights at the hospital and I would cram food all night long, along with drinking Boost (sometimes two).
I nicknamed myself Skeletor and had to stop nursing all together. My son was literally sucking the life out of me. I tried to gain weight after I stopped nursing, but to no avail, I was maintaining this rail thin, size 0 body.
Then, I stopped eating. I wasn't hungry, I would forget to eat all the time. I was so heart broken that I had to quit nursing Graeme, that I finally reached out for some help. I started an anti-depressant, one that was known to cause weight gain. After months of taking this medication, I was still 108 lbs. I still wasn't eating like I should, and felt so ashamed.
Am I anorexic? Do I have a eating disorder? Here I am wishing to add on some pounds, yet I'm not eating, just not interested. I would cry. I would hate on myself.
Then, I got pregnant with Adler. Although I was sick all through my pregnancy with hyperemesis, I steadily gained weight. I went from 108 lbs to 160 at the time of delivery.
After having Adler I looked at my body, this ever changing shell. The transformation that it had gone through was amazing. From this rail thin figure, to a curvaceous post partum body that my husband was infatuated with!
I'd stare into the mirror wishing it would all stay put. I'd rub my rounded belly, and relish in the thickness of my thighs, the plumpness of my cheeks. I'd smile every time I tried on a pair of jeans and they wouldn't fit over my hips. I was becoming comfortable with the subtle roundness of everything.
My husband, who knows that my eating habits are poor... Would ask me every day what I had eaten. I was so busy taking care of two babies that I would forget lunch, and realize at 5 pm I needed to eat. I'd try to make up for the lost meal by eating later, eating ice cream or a whole avocado. I would drink Boost, I'd put mayo, cheese and butter on everything. And slowly, steadily, my weight continued to fall off.
Then, a few days ago, I got sick. Graeme brought home the stomach flu. I stayed home to take care of my boy and caught the funk myself. I vomited for two days, my appetite went out the window. Every time I'd eat something nausea would overcome me. I stood on the scale today and immediately tears came flooding in. Here we go again. 120 lbs fully clothed... Which means I'm under 120.
I immediately ate a sandwich.
Why!? Why can't I have just a little extra cushion? This metabolism of mine is working overtime and I'm not very appreciative of it. I know we all need to love our bodies... Don't get me wrong, I do LOVE my body. I love that it has held two babies, nursed two babies. It is the body of a warrior, not only a birth warrior, but a life warrior.
This body has played sports (and I was damn good in my prime), it has wrestled unruly drunks in the emergency room. It has carried the weak. It has gone through sickness, an abundance of food sensitivities and malnutrition. My body is capable of many things, just apparently not maintaining a healthy weight.
So here I am, mourning the loss of my curves. Mourning the loss of each pound that sheds from me. Mourning the clothing that will forever fall off of my body.
As I continue to nurse Adler, my last baby, I know I will continue to lose weight. I had set a goal to nurse him for a year, I'm hoping my body will allow it.
Cheers to all the women out there struggling with their body image. Whether you are overweight, underweight or just right, I'm here with you, cheering you on and always here as a shoulder to cry on.
Loving ourselves isn't always easy but we should put our best foot forward and try, because if we can't love ourselves, how can we love those around us? So here's to loving myself, in all my skinny glory...
I'm going to go make dinner now... And smother it all in Parmesan cheese.
Peace, Love & Tie Dye