Terrified doesn't seem to be a strong enough word. As I get closer and closer to this sweet babe's birthday my anxiety is on a continuous rise. I'm sitting here with contractions lifting my womb, wrapping around my back and thighs, catching my breath, false labor for the last few days. Woke up last night at 2 am to contractions while sleeping, danced and swayed in the living room staring at the Christmas tree, they are getting heavier and stronger, baby is definitely on it's move. I lost my mucus plug (sorry if that's TMI, just being real here folks) on Thursday. Typically this means impending labor anytime in the next two weeks. This all sparks an incredibly overwhelming sense of self doubt and fear. All the what ifs of the past 35 weeks of pregnancy are fumbling back into my brain. Thoughts I've attempted to dismiss and ignore in order to decrease my stress and the stress on baby.
The thoughts that my placenta is going to cause dangerous issues for myself and my baby. Thoughts that, with my son I had a 22 hour excruciating natural labor followed by another 4 hours of just as excruciating labor with an epidural. I had no real complications, except for excessive vomiting, and the thought that Graeme was going to be small, which he was an ounce short of 8 lbs... (Insert buggy eyes). Now I'm facing a wonky placenta, that could increase my likelihood of abruption, a possibility that I might have a hysterectomy (I'm not ready to say goodbye to my uterus...) and to have a baby early, quite possibly at 36 weeks scares me. Will my tiny baby who is only measuring 4lbs be strong enough to survive life earth side? I'm not going to lie, I've witnessed MANY tragic births recently, with babes that have passed away, have suffered great injuries to their brains and lungs... It all creates such anxiety, fear and unknowing. Maybe some may feel that I am being negative... But to me these fears are valid.
Of course I'd love to say that I am a fearless birthing warrior... But in reality I am scared. I am going into this journey forcing positive thoughts, thoughts that this body of mine can do amazing things. That my baby will be born without issues or injury, that I will not have hemorrhaging and will walk out of that hospital with my uterus left intact. Does being a birthing warrior entail fearlessness? Either way I will and have been a warrior. So I guess... I'll just say, bring it on.
Peace & Love,
P.S. I had the incredible pleasure to work with a very talented photographer, mother, and doula today, who I believe sparked my need to release my fear and accept it. Visit
Jaclyn Michele's Blog to see more of her beautiful raw work.