Frustration doesn't seem to fit. It's far more than that. It's fear. It's tears. It's anger. It's annoyance. It's numbness. It's exhaustion. It's screaming at the top of my lungs. Simply put, today has officially pushed me over the edge of sanity. In actuality the last two weeks have, shoot... Let's just say the last 33 weeks have come to a head. And today I'm busting. I sat in my midwife's office today, but unfortunately for me, did not get to see my midwife. Instead I saw an OBGYN from the office. A short, round Russian man with a thick accent. I tiredly looked at him with hopes that maybe I could get a few answers from his standpoint as an OBGYN vs. my midwife's. What I was given instead was the exact opposite.
I went to the office this morning after feeling extreme exhaustion the last three days. Sitting and reviewing charts at offices was nearly impossible. I was having a hard time writing down information, could barely keep my eyes open and felt completely drained. Yes I'm well aware that I am pregnant. I just didn't feel right. Drugged perhaps. I had my NST Monday and mentioned this to my midwife, who instructed me to call and let them know if it happened again, as there is a possibility that the weight of my uterus could be pressing on my vena cava. Tuesday came, and the exhaustion continued. I called as instructed. Was told my appointment would need to be moved to the following day instead of Thursday. That I would get an ultrasound and see one of the OBGYNs as I'm assuming my midwife was booked for the day.
My ultrasound showed the usual, a large white out of placenta and tiny baby moving about, puckering their sweet lips, weighing in at 3 lbs and 15 ounces, baby is in the 10th percentile for weight for gestational age. Other than being tiny baby looked great. The technician asked me how I was feeling and I told her of my symptoms, that again today I feel weak, exhausted and now a headache. She mentioned my placenta and made sure that I tell the doctor what I was feeling as it may be related.
So there I sat, waiting for the doctor. The nurse came in and checked my blood pressure, it was high, especially for me. My heart was beating rather quickly and all I wanted to do was curl up on the recliner in the room, please I just want to sleep! She checked the rest of my vitals and told me the doctor would be in soon. I literally stared at the recliner sitting in the corner of the room, it had a pillow sitting on the arm. I wanted to lay in it more than anything. The longer I waited the more sleepy I became.
Finally, a knock. In came the OBGYN. He smiled at me shook my hand. Started going over my ultrasound from back in September? Then begins with, "so, you have a...." And I answered, circumvallate placenta. He shrugged, and with a smile says, "we don't know that until you deliver." I then said, "I've been told I have a very large circumvallate placenta." He shrugs, and says "that's just an opinion, circumvallate placentas are small. Not big. Your placenta isn't big in my opinion." My eyes about popped out of my head, what!? Then he points to a painting on the wall behind me... Which I never once turned to look at, no sir, I am not amused. "Like this painting, you may think it's beautiful, I may say it's too big and I think it's ugly. See? Differing opinion." What. The. Hell. He continues by saying the the sonographer thinks that I have a large placenta and that is her opinion. "I do not think it is large, it is fine, your baby is fine."
The conversation moves onto my complaints of lethargy and weakness. He says it's probably because of the pregnancy. He listens to my heart, says it's beating fast, tells me he wants me to be evaluated at the hospital. "Get a full work up with Labor & Delivery, I worry if I send you home to rest maybe something bad will happen, so you will go get checked out and we will make sure everything is okay." He leaves the room to call the hospital to speak with the L&D department. Comes back and tells me that I need to go to the ER to be seen. Great, just what I want to do today, go to an ER and sit for hours. He asks me when my next appointment is, I told me Monday for an NST and Wednesday I had my NST and weekly ultrasound. "No you don't need an ultrasound next week, the baby is fine I will change that to three weeks from now." I almost fell off the table. Who IS this man!? I've seen him for ten minutes, he reviews my case for probably five minutes before he came back to talk to me. He's telling me my placenta isn't circumvallate, it isn't big, and that I don't need to be monitored weekly.
I cried in the car on the way to the ER. My second mama came with me and sat while they started an IV, did and EKG, checked blood work, urine and gave me fluids. We sat there for four hours. Needless to say, they diagnosed me as pregnant. And fatigued. And sent me home. I left feeling stupid, angry, frustrated, starving, and even more exhausted than when I was when I arrived.
I ended up driving to Culver's and getting some food, and I sat and cried. Cried over my chicken sandwhich and french fries... I ended up calling my office and requesting to keep my appointment that was originally with my midwife for Thursday. I need to talk to her, I need to get that man and his "opinions" out of my mind. I'm in complete shock of how he interacted with me, I am not dumb, I have a medical background, I have been taking mental notes every appointment I have had, if he thinks after talking to him for five minutes my worries are gone, he's insane.
So tomorrow, a new day. Tomorrow hopefully will bring a conversation about what is really going on, because saying nothing is wrong and that everything is fine isn't okay with me! I see my ultrasounds, I see my placenta, I see my baby measuring small, I've seen and heard the concerns and the what ifs.
Listening to my nurse and mama instincts tonight, and forever. This is my body and my baby and I won't let someone boo-hoo my concerns as if they were nothing.
Tomorrow will be better. Tonight I will take some Tylenol, curl up in bed and try to sleep...
Peace & Love,